So it's 4:36am right now, and I'm laying in bed on my computer. I woke up at about 2:30am and read for about an hour and then "accidentally" made enough noise that my husband woke up cause I was so bored, but he fell back asleep pretty quick. And then I started looking at pictures on my cousin Kate's photography website. Justin and I had a photo shoot with her last night and so I was checking out some of her other photos in anticipation of getting ours cause I'm so excited!... Anyway, so why am I up in the middle of the night doing nothing, because this is just how it is for me now. I work night shift, my schedule is four nights on and then four nights off. Trying to go between sleeping during the day though and then sleep at night is so so so hard. I used to be a morning person. I was all about early to bed and early to rise. I thought naps were for the weak and sleeping in past 8:00, let alone 7:00 was ridiculous and lazy. Well all of that has changed. On my days off it seems like it doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I can't get up before 9:00am, and I usually prefer more like 10:00am. My first night off is the worst though. Because I worked the night before I of course slept a bit during the day. I try to keep sleeping during the day after my last night of work to 2 - 3 hours so that I can sleep again that night but it usually turns out to be more like 5 - 6 hours cause I'm just too tired. But then at night I miss sleeping with my husband so I try to go to bed with him. I usually fall asleep fine but then I wake up in the middle of the night wide awake and hungry. Last time this happened I had a whole meal at 12:30am, did some laundry, prepared my primary lesson, watched a movie, read for an hour, and then finally fell back asleep at about 5:30am, and then slept in the next day until 11:30am. How horrible is that, well it's horrible I think. The nights after that I do better about sleeping through the night but I usually got to bed between 12:00 - 1:00am and get up between 9:00 - 10:00am. I know I just need to accept that this is my sleeping pattern now and get over it but it's hard changing sleeping habits you've had for 25 years. Getting used to not seeing mornings anymore. Although I guess I do see mornings on my way home from work, even sunrises if it's not foggy. This is just hard though. The worst is when I first started work. Even though I had just been up an entire night, I felt so horrible and lazy that I slept the next day. Especially because it was during the shortest days of the year so during the days I worked I rarely saw sunlight for 4 days straight. I felt like I was wasting my day and I tried to sleep as little as I could, luckily I had a husband who forced my back in bed if I got up too early, otherwise I paid for it at work that night! Thankfully, I no longer have a guilt trip about sleeping after I've worked the night before now. I am just fine with sleeping during the day now! But I still feel out of sorts switching between nights and days and in some weird ways I feel separate from the rest of the world. I feel like no one can truly understand how weird it is to switch your sleeping patterns so drastically and then to have to switch them back and forth every week. My Dad worked night shift pretty much my whole life, my sister worked night shift for something like 3 or 4 years but I don't ever remember either of them talking about difficulties they had with it or how weird it was. So then I think, am I just crazy, am I being a baby, am I just weird (well that parts probably true), what is wrong with me. So if those of you who have had any experience with working night shift have advice or even more so can relate so I don't feel so alone in my circumstance that would be fantastic!
I realize that I just pretty much spent an entire entry complaining, but I think I really just needed to express myself, put my thoughts into words. On a more positive note work is going really well. I enjoy the night shift and my co-workers and I'm feeling more and more confident every day. I'm really starting to care for and bond with the residents I work with, which I know can be a good and bad thing. The anxiety and what I believe is seasonal depression that I've been dealing with (I believe I've mentioned previously about some of that) is getting a lot better and a lot less frequent. Having the sun out more lately and I started taking Vitamin D have both really helped. I am more in love with my husband then ever before and going through some of these trials lately have brought us so close together.
Oh, so I mentioned a photo shoot Justin and I did last night with my cousin Kate. Can I just say what a fantastic photographer I think she is. She was so good about little details during the shoot. Things that when you see a picture of yourself you think man what was I doing with my arm, or I wish I would have pulled my hair out of my face or lifted my chin a little more. She sees all those things and fixes them before she takes the picture so that they turn out great! She had fun and unique poses for us and we felt so comfortable during the whole shoot, it was a lot of fun and now I can't wait to see the proofs and get some pictures! For those of you who don't know Kate, you can see her work on her website at www.katemowerphotography.com, and then you can see what I'm talking about!
Well, it's about 5:30am now and I've been kicked out of my room cause I'm making too much noise. I should probably try to get some sleep again, we'll see how it goes though!
